One Fine Day at the Temple

Interior of a classroom deep in the heart of the Jedi Temple:

Instructor: And so you see, younglings, only Sith deal in absolutes.

Student: But, master, isn't what you just said an absolute?

Instructor: That is an excellent point, youngling. The difference here is that, ummm...er... well, it is just that... New lesson today, younglimgs. Today we are going to learn defense against the force choke. Thank you for volunteering!

Student: But, wait! I didn't volenteer, I just ask i- gargegg (thump)

Instructor: Good news, younglings! Half day today!

Stuff to Do When I Have F*** You Money

Saw that the bell ringing panhandlers are coming out in force again. When I have "fuck you" money I am going to pay one a ridiculous amount of money to stand there dressed as Santa and ringing their bell while shouting "Bring out your dead!" for about a half hour and film people's reactions. I would love to say that I thought that one up on my own but I saw the Santa thing on an episode of Robot Chicken.

"BRING OUT YOUR DEAD!!!"

Now You Know

Despite what that little cartoon bastard on the commercials would have you believe, lucky charms are not, in fact. magically delicious. Rabbit's feet are likely to get stuck in your throat and attempting to eat an iron horse shoe is likely to result in broken teeth. Four leaf clovers remain nasty no matter how much salad dressing to heap on them. On the other hand, they do stay crunchy even in milk... except the clovers, they were floppy to begin with.


Now you know and knowing is half the battle.... The other half, of course, being swift and blinding violence

Its Good To Be King

King Leonidas: THIS IS SPAAART-

Lacky: whisperwhisperwhisper

King Leonidas: -wait, really?

Lacky: whisperwhisperwhisper

King Leonidas: Your absolutely sure about this?

Xerxes' Messenger: *raising a hand* Um, excuse me. Yeah, over here. Remember me? Can we jus-

King Leonidas: *holding up one finger* Just wait, I'll be with you in a second. *Turns back to Lacky* Well, that's just going to sound silly.

Lacky: whisperwhisperwhisper

King Leonidas: Fine, let's just get this over with. *turns back around* THIS IS CLEVELAND!... Um, did any of you see where that messenger guy went? No? Anyone?.... Crap!

*Spartans look around and wonder how the hell they got to Cleveland*

I Am...

Roman General: ...On the single condition that you identify the body or the living person of the slave called Spartacus!

Slave 1: I am Spartacus!

Slave 2: I am Spartacus!

Slave 3: I am Spartacus!

Slave 4: I am... Wait, wait wait! Cruciwhatnow?!? No, no, I am ... um... I'm Fred. Yeah that's right my name is Fred. Spartacus was...um... He was way over there somewhere. Yeah, way over there. You know, really really far away from me!

[Everyone is crucified anyway]

Help Wanted...

Would-be world conqueror seeks minions.

Candidates must exhibit intelligence, resourcefulness honesty and a fanatical devotion to me. All candidates must be willing to die and/or kill at my command without the slightest hesitation. Duties include typing, delivering demands, picking up my dry cleaning, dusting the secret lair including any superweapons therein, blackmail, picking up my mail at the post office, wiretapping, indoctrinating future minions, running the lair’s daycare program, kidnapping, doing my shopping, liquidating any obstacles to my rule, organizing my comic and toy collection, disposing of the bodies of those who displease me and lobbying.

Benefits include: room and board, license to kill at my command, vacation days, health care including eye and dental in the lair’s various laboratories, a sense of creative fulfillment and the promise of your own country to rule after I assume my rightful place as ruler or the world. Other benefits include the promise of your own planet to rule should my empire spread throughout the galaxy.

Other positions available include: sex slave, torturer, accountant, research, lab assistants and meat shield.

All applicants should submit resume for review. If resume is approved an interview will be scheduled, notification within 30 days.

A Reasonable-ish Question

What is it exactly that guys talk to each other about when in line for a gangbang? I mean, there you are, waiting in line, naked and most likely wanking in an effort to stay hard. That kinda limits your conversational options, especially if it is drafty. I would imagine that the conversation focuses less on art, philosophy and politics and more along the lines of: "Dude, do you know where I could score some Viagra and a blindfold?"