One Fine Day After the Votes Were Tallied (The Concession)

To the sound of cheering supporters the unsuccessful candidate mounts the stage and approaches podium.

 "Thank you all.  Thank you.  Well, the votes are in and have all been counted and the country's presidential election has been decided.  The country has spoken and I would like to pledge my support to our...  You know what?  You know all that good loser bull shit?  Yeah, that ain't happening!  What the hell is wrong with all of you?!?  Were you kidding when you said you wanted me to be president?!?  I mean I did all that crap to get you nimrods to vote for me!  I lied out my ass for two fucking years!  I made all those mud slinging commercials.  Did none of you watch them!  Were they not mean enough?  Did I forget to mention that my "esteemed" opponent enjoys fondling underage poultry?  I told you all that he is a closet homosexual who was born in bum fuck Egypt?  How about the fact that his main hobby is sodomizing puppies in public... in front of young children... on Sunday... while fellating bisexual wombats and longshoremen named Horace... In a dress!"

Supporter stands:
"Is that true?"

Candidate stares incredulously:
"What?!?  Are you serious?!?  Of course it is not true!!!... You know what?  I take that back.  All of that crap I just said is 100% true.  Yup. that's right.  You know what else is true?  Jamming a rusty egg beater up your ass and hitting the power gives you that ability to telepathically communicate with seaweed!  For real, go try it!

"Maybe it was my "loving" family.  Maybe they were just too boring for you?  Lord knows I've been bored with them for years now.

"I even told you that god had chosen me to lead you!  You guys seemed to buy it when that other fucker said it!  Hang on, I am getting something." Cups hand behind ear, "Yep, it is definitely god again.  He is giving me another message for you.  You know what god says?  God says "FUCK YOU ALL"!  I hope your heads explodes and the bone fragments kill your dog!!!"

The candidate gives the audience the finger and then, in the ensuing confused silence, exits the stage, the very picture of silent dignity.

And Now, A Moment of Culture...

An ode to spinal injections...

I think that I shall never see a- HOLY FUCKING GOD!  WHAT THE FUCK!  IS IT SUPPOSED TO HURT LIKE THIS?!?! ARE  YOU AN ACTUAL DOCTOR OR DID SOMEONE WANDER IN OFF THE STREET WITH A FUCKING ICE-PICK?!?  WHAT THE HELL IT WRONG WITH YOU TELLING ME TO FUCKING RELAX WHEN YOU SHOVE A NEEDLE THE SIZE OF A FUCKING CABER INTO MY SPINE?!?  LET ME LODGE A RAILROAD SPIKE BETWEEN YOUR VERTEBRAE AND SEE HOW RELAXED IT MAKES YOU!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!! (copious amounts of tears and loud questioning of the legitimacy of the doctor's parentage ensue)

This has been your moment of culture.

Soap! Soooooaaaaaap!

When ever I watch a movie or, in the case of The Walking Dead, tv show where there is a ragged group has to fight to survive in a dirty post apocalyptic landscape a thought always occurs to me:

I bet there is just not a whole lot of oral going on.

One Fine Day at the Temple

Interior of a classroom deep in the heart of the Jedi Temple:

Instructor: And so you see, younglings, only Sith deal in absolutes.

Student: But, master, isn't what you just said an absolute?

Instructor: That is an excellent point, youngling. The difference here is that, ummm...er... well, it is just that... New lesson today, younglimgs. Today we are going to learn defense against the force choke. Thank you for volunteering!

Student: But, wait! I didn't volenteer, I just ask i- gargegg (thump)

Instructor: Good news, younglings! Half day today!