And Now, A Moment of Culture...

An ode to spinal injections...

I think that I shall never see a- HOLY FUCKING GOD!  WHAT THE FUCK!  IS IT SUPPOSED TO HURT LIKE THIS?!?! ARE  YOU AN ACTUAL DOCTOR OR DID SOMEONE WANDER IN OFF THE STREET WITH A FUCKING ICE-PICK?!?  WHAT THE HELL IT WRONG WITH YOU TELLING ME TO FUCKING RELAX WHEN YOU SHOVE A NEEDLE THE SIZE OF A FUCKING CABER INTO MY SPINE?!?  LET ME LODGE A RAILROAD SPIKE BETWEEN YOUR VERTEBRAE AND SEE HOW RELAXED IT MAKES YOU!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!! (copious amounts of tears and loud questioning of the legitimacy of the doctor's parentage ensue)

This has been your moment of culture.

Soap! Soooooaaaaaap!

When ever I watch a movie or, in the case of The Walking Dead, tv show where there is a ragged group has to fight to survive in a dirty post apocalyptic landscape a thought always occurs to me:

I bet there is just not a whole lot of oral going on.

One Fine Day at the Temple

Interior of a classroom deep in the heart of the Jedi Temple:

Instructor: And so you see, younglings, only Sith deal in absolutes.

Student: But, master, isn't what you just said an absolute?

Instructor: That is an excellent point, youngling. The difference here is that, ummm...er... well, it is just that... New lesson today, younglimgs. Today we are going to learn defense against the force choke. Thank you for volunteering!

Student: But, wait! I didn't volenteer, I just ask i- gargegg (thump)

Instructor: Good news, younglings! Half day today!

Stuff to Do When I Have F*** You Money

Saw that the bell ringing panhandlers are coming out in force again. When I have "fuck you" money I am going to pay one a ridiculous amount of money to stand there dressed as Santa and ringing their bell while shouting "Bring out your dead!" for about a half hour and film people's reactions. I would love to say that I thought that one up on my own but I saw the Santa thing on an episode of Robot Chicken.

"BRING OUT YOUR DEAD!!!"

Now You Know

Despite what that little cartoon bastard on the commercials would have you believe, lucky charms are not, in fact. magically delicious. Rabbit's feet are likely to get stuck in your throat and attempting to eat an iron horse shoe is likely to result in broken teeth. Four leaf clovers remain nasty no matter how much salad dressing to heap on them. On the other hand, they do stay crunchy even in milk... except the clovers, they were floppy to begin with.


Now you know and knowing is half the battle.... The other half, of course, being swift and blinding violence

Its Good To Be King

King Leonidas: THIS IS SPAAART-

Lacky: whisperwhisperwhisper

King Leonidas: -wait, really?

Lacky: whisperwhisperwhisper

King Leonidas: Your absolutely sure about this?

Xerxes' Messenger: *raising a hand* Um, excuse me. Yeah, over here. Remember me? Can we jus-

King Leonidas: *holding up one finger* Just wait, I'll be with you in a second. *Turns back to Lacky* Well, that's just going to sound silly.

Lacky: whisperwhisperwhisper

King Leonidas: Fine, let's just get this over with. *turns back around* THIS IS CLEVELAND!... Um, did any of you see where that messenger guy went? No? Anyone?.... Crap!

*Spartans look around and wonder how the hell they got to Cleveland*

I Am...

Roman General: ...On the single condition that you identify the body or the living person of the slave called Spartacus!

Slave 1: I am Spartacus!

Slave 2: I am Spartacus!

Slave 3: I am Spartacus!

Slave 4: I am... Wait, wait wait! Cruciwhatnow?!? No, no, I am ... um... I'm Fred. Yeah that's right my name is Fred. Spartacus was...um... He was way over there somewhere. Yeah, way over there. You know, really really far away from me!

[Everyone is crucified anyway]