One Fine Day After the Votes Were Tallied (The Concession)

To the sound of cheering supporters the unsuccessful candidate mounts the stage and approaches podium.

 "Thank you all.  Thank you.  Well, the votes are in and have all been counted and the country's presidential election has been decided.  The country has spoken and I would like to pledge my support to our...  You know what?  You know all that good loser bull shit?  Yeah, that ain't happening!  What the hell is wrong with all of you?!?  Were you kidding when you said you wanted me to be president?!?  I mean I did all that crap to get you nimrods to vote for me!  I lied out my ass for two fucking years!  I made all those mud slinging commercials.  Did none of you watch them!  Were they not mean enough?  Did I forget to mention that my "esteemed" opponent enjoys fondling underage poultry?  I told you all that he is a closet homosexual who was born in bum fuck Egypt?  How about the fact that his main hobby is sodomizing puppies in public... in front of young children... on Sunday... while fellating bisexual wombats and longshoremen named Horace... In a dress!"

Supporter stands:
"Is that true?"

Candidate stares incredulously:
"What?!?  Are you serious?!?  Of course it is not true!!!... You know what?  I take that back.  All of that crap I just said is 100% true.  Yup. that's right.  You know what else is true?  Jamming a rusty egg beater up your ass and hitting the power gives you that ability to telepathically communicate with seaweed!  For real, go try it!

"Maybe it was my "loving" family.  Maybe they were just too boring for you?  Lord knows I've been bored with them for years now.

"I even told you that god had chosen me to lead you!  You guys seemed to buy it when that other fucker said it!  Hang on, I am getting something." Cups hand behind ear, "Yep, it is definitely god again.  He is giving me another message for you.  You know what god says?  God says "FUCK YOU ALL"!  I hope your heads explodes and the bone fragments kill your dog!!!"

The candidate gives the audience the finger and then, in the ensuing confused silence, exits the stage, the very picture of silent dignity.