And now, a P.S.A.

Do not trust koalas.  The little bastards are up to something!  You don't evolve into a cute fuzzy seemingly harmless critter on a continent that is actively trying to murder you without having some evil plan up your adorable little sleeve. Beware the drop bears!

Oops

It was when he and Linda entered his bedroom in a whirlwind of passion, clothes torn off and flying left and right that Ed learned two things: 1) he had gone into the wrong bar and 2) he was apparently gay.  In retrospect, Linda’s beard should have been a tip off.

Aaaaand...

You know what, no.  I am gonna try not to jinx it this time.  I will Just say that, at least for now, I am no longer having to use smoke signals and carrier pigeons to communicate which is a good thing as those are notoriously difficult ways to get online.  Plus, the pigeons REALLY hate it when you use both methods simultaneously.  What I will say is that both my blogs are back up and I will hopefully remember to start updating them soon.  Until then, LIVE IN FEAR!!! (Ooo, scary)

Aaaaaaaaand, Now We are Not Quite Back

So, here's the situation (And now I have "Parents Just Don't Understand" playing in my head on a loop). We were forced to bid adieu to our craptastical (it is too a word) ISP.  See, we have this little quirk in that if we pay for a service, we should actually get that service. I know, bizarre, huh?  So now we are trying to find another ISP. The area i live in is awesome in terms of privacy it is crap as far as ISPs are concerned. We are out of range of cable or DSL so satellite is our only option.  Coming from a place where we had high speed cable with unlimited access, the speed and access cap is a big adjustment for us. So now the only internet access we have at home is through our phones.  This sucks and not in the happy happy joy joy sort of way. Hopefully, for the sake of my cramped fingers, the situation will change soon and i will be back. Oh yes, internal voices, I will return!  Until that day, live in fear! FEAR ME... Well? Go on. Fear me. I'll wait.

Aaaaand, We're Back!

That's right, kiddies, I am back on the air.  After a particularly arduous move fraught with troubles and the occasional cyborg-ninja-monkey attacks (true-ish story) we have managed to find a place and get some sort of internet access.  While the access is ridiculously poorly maintained, it is there at times.  The excitement of this announcement is some what lessened due to the fact that my entire readership is almost completely made up of myself and the voices in my head that other people pretend they can't hear.  Regardless, I shall solder on on the off chance that someone peeks in and doesn't run out eyes bleeding and/or a victim of the aforementioned cyborg-ninja-monkey attacks.  I know those little bastards are following me.  And yet I trudge on.  In the immortal words of Stan Lee: "Excelsior!"  Okay technically that is only one word but you get the point.

One Fine Day on the Trail

George Donner:  No, I'm sure we have plenty of food.
Lansford Hastings:  Dude, I totally know a shortcut!

One Fine Day After the Votes Were Tallied (The Concession)

To the sound of cheering supporters the unsuccessful candidate mounts the stage and approaches podium.

 "Thank you all.  Thank you.  Well, the votes are in and have all been counted and the country's presidential election has been decided.  The country has spoken and I would like to pledge my support to our...  You know what?  You know all that good loser bull shit?  Yeah, that ain't happening!  What the hell is wrong with all of you?!?  Were you kidding when you said you wanted me to be president?!?  I mean I did all that crap to get you nimrods to vote for me!  I lied out my ass for two fucking years!  I made all those mud slinging commercials.  Did none of you watch them!  Were they not mean enough?  Did I forget to mention that my "esteemed" opponent enjoys fondling underage poultry?  I told you all that he is a closet homosexual who was born in bum fuck Egypt?  How about the fact that his main hobby is sodomizing puppies in public... in front of young children... on Sunday... while fellating bisexual wombats and longshoremen named Horace... In a dress!"

Supporter stands:
"Is that true?"

Candidate stares incredulously:
"What?!?  Are you serious?!?  Of course it is not true!!!... You know what?  I take that back.  All of that crap I just said is 100% true.  Yup. that's right.  You know what else is true?  Jamming a rusty egg beater up your ass and hitting the power gives you that ability to telepathically communicate with seaweed!  For real, go try it!

"Maybe it was my "loving" family.  Maybe they were just too boring for you?  Lord knows I've been bored with them for years now.

"I even told you that god had chosen me to lead you!  You guys seemed to buy it when that other fucker said it!  Hang on, I am getting something." Cups hand behind ear, "Yep, it is definitely god again.  He is giving me another message for you.  You know what god says?  God says "FUCK YOU ALL"!  I hope your heads explodes and the bone fragments kill your dog!!!"

The candidate gives the audience the finger and then, in the ensuing confused silence, exits the stage, the very picture of silent dignity.

And Now, A Moment of Culture...

An ode to spinal injections...

I think that I shall never see a- HOLY FUCKING GOD!  WHAT THE FUCK!  IS IT SUPPOSED TO HURT LIKE THIS?!?! ARE  YOU AN ACTUAL DOCTOR OR DID SOMEONE WANDER IN OFF THE STREET WITH A FUCKING ICE-PICK?!?  WHAT THE HELL IT WRONG WITH YOU TELLING ME TO FUCKING RELAX WHEN YOU SHOVE A NEEDLE THE SIZE OF A FUCKING CABER INTO MY SPINE?!?  LET ME LODGE A RAILROAD SPIKE BETWEEN YOUR VERTEBRAE AND SEE HOW RELAXED IT MAKES YOU!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!! (copious amounts of tears and loud questioning of the legitimacy of the doctor's parentage ensue)

This has been your moment of culture.

Soap! Soooooaaaaaap!

When ever I watch a movie or, in the case of The Walking Dead, tv show where there is a ragged group has to fight to survive in a dirty post apocalyptic landscape a thought always occurs to me:

I bet there is just not a whole lot of oral going on.

One Fine Day at the Temple

Interior of a classroom deep in the heart of the Jedi Temple:

Instructor: And so you see, younglings, only Sith deal in absolutes.

Student: But, master, isn't what you just said an absolute?

Instructor: That is an excellent point, youngling. The difference here is that, ummm...er... well, it is just that... New lesson today, younglimgs. Today we are going to learn defense against the force choke. Thank you for volunteering!

Student: But, wait! I didn't volenteer, I just ask i- gargegg (thump)

Instructor: Good news, younglings! Half day today!

Stuff to Do When I Have F*** You Money

Saw that the bell ringing panhandlers are coming out in force again. When I have "fuck you" money I am going to pay one a ridiculous amount of money to stand there dressed as Santa and ringing their bell while shouting "Bring out your dead!" for about a half hour and film people's reactions. I would love to say that I thought that one up on my own but I saw the Santa thing on an episode of Robot Chicken.

"BRING OUT YOUR DEAD!!!"

Now You Know

Despite what that little cartoon bastard on the commercials would have you believe, lucky charms are not, in fact. magically delicious. Rabbit's feet are likely to get stuck in your throat and attempting to eat an iron horse shoe is likely to result in broken teeth. Four leaf clovers remain nasty no matter how much salad dressing to heap on them. On the other hand, they do stay crunchy even in milk... except the clovers, they were floppy to begin with.


Now you know and knowing is half the battle.... The other half, of course, being swift and blinding violence

Its Good To Be King

King Leonidas: THIS IS SPAAART-

Lacky: whisperwhisperwhisper

King Leonidas: -wait, really?

Lacky: whisperwhisperwhisper

King Leonidas: Your absolutely sure about this?

Xerxes' Messenger: *raising a hand* Um, excuse me. Yeah, over here. Remember me? Can we jus-

King Leonidas: *holding up one finger* Just wait, I'll be with you in a second. *Turns back to Lacky* Well, that's just going to sound silly.

Lacky: whisperwhisperwhisper

King Leonidas: Fine, let's just get this over with. *turns back around* THIS IS CLEVELAND!... Um, did any of you see where that messenger guy went? No? Anyone?.... Crap!

*Spartans look around and wonder how the hell they got to Cleveland*

I Am...

Roman General: ...On the single condition that you identify the body or the living person of the slave called Spartacus!

Slave 1: I am Spartacus!

Slave 2: I am Spartacus!

Slave 3: I am Spartacus!

Slave 4: I am... Wait, wait wait! Cruciwhatnow?!? No, no, I am ... um... I'm Fred. Yeah that's right my name is Fred. Spartacus was...um... He was way over there somewhere. Yeah, way over there. You know, really really far away from me!

[Everyone is crucified anyway]

Help Wanted...

Would-be world conqueror seeks minions.

Candidates must exhibit intelligence, resourcefulness honesty and a fanatical devotion to me. All candidates must be willing to die and/or kill at my command without the slightest hesitation. Duties include typing, delivering demands, picking up my dry cleaning, dusting the secret lair including any superweapons therein, blackmail, picking up my mail at the post office, wiretapping, indoctrinating future minions, running the lair’s daycare program, kidnapping, doing my shopping, liquidating any obstacles to my rule, organizing my comic and toy collection, disposing of the bodies of those who displease me and lobbying.

Benefits include: room and board, license to kill at my command, vacation days, health care including eye and dental in the lair’s various laboratories, a sense of creative fulfillment and the promise of your own country to rule after I assume my rightful place as ruler or the world. Other benefits include the promise of your own planet to rule should my empire spread throughout the galaxy.

Other positions available include: sex slave, torturer, accountant, research, lab assistants and meat shield.

All applicants should submit resume for review. If resume is approved an interview will be scheduled, notification within 30 days.

A Reasonable-ish Question

What is it exactly that guys talk to each other about when in line for a gangbang? I mean, there you are, waiting in line, naked and most likely wanking in an effort to stay hard. That kinda limits your conversational options, especially if it is drafty. I would imagine that the conversation focuses less on art, philosophy and politics and more along the lines of: "Dude, do you know where I could score some Viagra and a blindfold?"

Just a Thought

If Michael Bay and Joel Schumacher made a movie together, would even light be able to escape? Think of it exploding robot nipples draped in latex which is also exploding. That also sounds like the name of either the best or worst porn in history.

A Dark Ceremony

The room is dark save for the flickering light from the candles sitting on the alter behind a tall figure standing before it. The figure is tall and clad in dark robes, his face obscured by shadows. A young man kneels before the figure, head bowed.

"You have proven your worth in battle, the keenness of your mind and the yearning for power in your heart. You are a true Lord of the Sith! Arise Darth Sweetypants!"

The figure arises slowly

"I will endeavor to serve the dark si- Wait, Darth what?!?"

Sabers ignite

In Response to the Z.C.P.

It is with a heavy heart that I remove the Z.C.P. which I have been posting on this blog. This comes as a result of several complains and threats from various special interest groups. I include here just a couple of the letters I have received:

"Dear Sir,
It has come to our group's attention that you have been posting slanderous and inflammatory material on your blog. While it is true that your blog is not one of the most popular on the web and has relatively few, if any, regular readers we feel it our duty to stomp out bigotry against those of our kind wherever it appears. To long have we, the life-impaired, been the victims of the lifeist views of you and others. The life-impaired serve many vital functions in today's society. Who do you think it was that came up with the slow, shambling pace of most of the world's bureaucracies? Why, the I.R.S. of the United States is only one of the many organizations that would crumble without the many life-impaired individuals that make it the great institution it is today. The individuals that set the schedules of both Congress and the Supreme Court are also members of our particular segment of the population! We demand, Sir, that you remove your slanderous article at once!

Sincerely,
The Proud Life-Impaired Individuals Currently Consuming your Neighbors"



"Grains, Grains

Graaaaaiiiins grains grains graaaaaaains! Grains Graaaaaaiiiins, grains grains Graaaaaaiiiiiiiiiins, grain grains

GRAAAAIIIIIINNNNS,
The Vegitarian Zombies of America


PS:
Graaaiins"

"Dear, Citizen,

I would like to warn you in the strongest possible terms that milk-flame corpulent porpoise hork shall not be flemmeled in ninny-ba. I would suggest that nickto forlorn makkies slorf.

Sincerely,
Sen. Reginald J. Splokington (Chairman Congenitally Incoherent Party) (Deceased)"

As I do not have the resources necessary to stand up to the pressure placed upon me by these and many other special interest groups I must, sadly, remove the previously posted Z.C.P. But take heart, I will continue to work diligently to complete my Z.C.P. I will also be exploring any options that will allow me to repost it in order to allow the public to be better prepared for the inevitable zombie apocalypse.

And Now, Because you all Need to be Punished: Some Jokes!

A woman goes to her doctor and says: "Doctor, I don't know what is causing it but every time I sneeze, I have an orgasm." The doctor says: "Well, what are you taking for it?" "Pepper"

*******************************************************************************

Two nuns, Sister Mary Agnes and Sister Mary Vincent, are
traveling through Europe in their car, sightseeing in
Transylvania. As they are stopped at a traffic light, out
of nowhere, a small vampire jumps onto the hood of the car
and hisses at them through the windshield.

Quick, quick! shouts Sister Mary Agnes, What should we
do?

Turn the windshield wipers on. That will get rid of the
abomination, says Sister Mary Vincent.

Sister Mary Agnes switches on the wipers, which knock the
mini-Dracula around. But, he hangs on and continues hissing
at the nuns. What shall I do now? she shouts.

Try the windshield washer. I filled it with holy water
before we left the Vatican, replies Sister Mary Vincent.

Sister Mary Agnes turns on the windshield washer. The
vampire screams as the water burns his skin, but he hangs on
and continues hissing at the nuns.

Now what? shouts Sister Mary Agnes.

Show him your cross, says Sister Mary Vincent.

Now you're talking, says Sister Mary Agnes. She then
opens the window and shouts, "Get the fuck off our car!"

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René Descartes walks into a bar and orders a drink. After a while he finishes and the barmaid comes over and asks if he would like another. Descartes responds: "I think not" and vanishes

*********************************************************************************

Jonny was a chemists son but now he is no more. What he though was H2O was H2SO4.

**********************************************************************************

Two old ladies are discussing a new restaurant the had just visited.
Lady 1: "Oh, the food there was awful!"
Lady 2: "And such small portions!"

***********************************************************************************

That'll Lern Ya!

If you got more, post away!