Stuff to Do When I Have F*** You Money

Saw that the bell ringing panhandlers are coming out in force again. When I have "fuck you" money I am going to pay one a ridiculous amount of money to stand there dressed as Santa and ringing their bell while shouting "Bring out your dead!" for about a half hour and film people's reactions. I would love to say that I thought that one up on my own but I saw the Santa thing on an episode of Robot Chicken.

"BRING OUT YOUR DEAD!!!"

Now You Know

Despite what that little cartoon bastard on the commercials would have you believe, lucky charms are not, in fact. magically delicious. Rabbit's feet are likely to get stuck in your throat and attempting to eat an iron horse shoe is likely to result in broken teeth. Four leaf clovers remain nasty no matter how much salad dressing to heap on them. On the other hand, they do stay crunchy even in milk... except the clovers, they were floppy to begin with.


Now you know and knowing is half the battle.... The other half, of course, being swift and blinding violence

Its Good To Be King

King Leonidas: THIS IS SPAAART-

Lacky: whisperwhisperwhisper

King Leonidas: -wait, really?

Lacky: whisperwhisperwhisper

King Leonidas: Your absolutely sure about this?

Xerxes' Messenger: *raising a hand* Um, excuse me. Yeah, over here. Remember me? Can we jus-

King Leonidas: *holding up one finger* Just wait, I'll be with you in a second. *Turns back to Lacky* Well, that's just going to sound silly.

Lacky: whisperwhisperwhisper

King Leonidas: Fine, let's just get this over with. *turns back around* THIS IS CLEVELAND!... Um, did any of you see where that messenger guy went? No? Anyone?.... Crap!

*Spartans look around and wonder how the hell they got to Cleveland*

I Am...

Roman General: ...On the single condition that you identify the body or the living person of the slave called Spartacus!

Slave 1: I am Spartacus!

Slave 2: I am Spartacus!

Slave 3: I am Spartacus!

Slave 4: I am... Wait, wait wait! Cruciwhatnow?!? No, no, I am ... um... I'm Fred. Yeah that's right my name is Fred. Spartacus was...um... He was way over there somewhere. Yeah, way over there. You know, really really far away from me!

[Everyone is crucified anyway]

Help Wanted...

Would-be world conqueror seeks minions.

Candidates must exhibit intelligence, resourcefulness honesty and a fanatical devotion to me. All candidates must be willing to die and/or kill at my command without the slightest hesitation. Duties include typing, delivering demands, picking up my dry cleaning, dusting the secret lair including any superweapons therein, blackmail, picking up my mail at the post office, wiretapping, indoctrinating future minions, running the lair’s daycare program, kidnapping, doing my shopping, liquidating any obstacles to my rule, organizing my comic and toy collection, disposing of the bodies of those who displease me and lobbying.

Benefits include: room and board, license to kill at my command, vacation days, health care including eye and dental in the lair’s various laboratories, a sense of creative fulfillment and the promise of your own country to rule after I assume my rightful place as ruler or the world. Other benefits include the promise of your own planet to rule should my empire spread throughout the galaxy.

Other positions available include: sex slave, torturer, accountant, research, lab assistants and meat shield.

All applicants should submit resume for review. If resume is approved an interview will be scheduled, notification within 30 days.

A Reasonable-ish Question

What is it exactly that guys talk to each other about when in line for a gangbang? I mean, there you are, waiting in line, naked and most likely wanking in an effort to stay hard. That kinda limits your conversational options, especially if it is drafty. I would imagine that the conversation focuses less on art, philosophy and politics and more along the lines of: "Dude, do you know where I could score some Viagra and a blindfold?"

Just a Thought

If Michael Bay and Joel Schumacher made a movie together, would even light be able to escape? Think of it exploding robot nipples draped in latex which is also exploding. That also sounds like the name of either the best or worst porn in history.

A Dark Ceremony

The room is dark save for the flickering light from the candles sitting on the alter behind a tall figure standing before it. The figure is tall and clad in dark robes, his face obscured by shadows. A young man kneels before the figure, head bowed.

"You have proven your worth in battle, the keenness of your mind and the yearning for power in your heart. You are a true Lord of the Sith! Arise Darth Sweetypants!"

The figure arises slowly

"I will endeavor to serve the dark si- Wait, Darth what?!?"

Sabers ignite

In Response to the Z.C.P.

It is with a heavy heart that I remove the Z.C.P. which I have been posting on this blog. This comes as a result of several complains and threats from various special interest groups. I include here just a couple of the letters I have received:

"Dear Sir,
It has come to our group's attention that you have been posting slanderous and inflammatory material on your blog. While it is true that your blog is not one of the most popular on the web and has relatively few, if any, regular readers we feel it our duty to stomp out bigotry against those of our kind wherever it appears. To long have we, the life-impaired, been the victims of the lifeist views of you and others. The life-impaired serve many vital functions in today's society. Who do you think it was that came up with the slow, shambling pace of most of the world's bureaucracies? Why, the I.R.S. of the United States is only one of the many organizations that would crumble without the many life-impaired individuals that make it the great institution it is today. The individuals that set the schedules of both Congress and the Supreme Court are also members of our particular segment of the population! We demand, Sir, that you remove your slanderous article at once!

Sincerely,
The Proud Life-Impaired Individuals Currently Consuming your Neighbors"



"Grains, Grains

Graaaaaiiiins grains grains graaaaaaains! Grains Graaaaaaiiiins, grains grains Graaaaaaiiiiiiiiiins, grain grains

GRAAAAIIIIIINNNNS,
The Vegitarian Zombies of America


PS:
Graaaiins"

"Dear, Citizen,

I would like to warn you in the strongest possible terms that milk-flame corpulent porpoise hork shall not be flemmeled in ninny-ba. I would suggest that nickto forlorn makkies slorf.

Sincerely,
Sen. Reginald J. Splokington (Chairman Congenitally Incoherent Party) (Deceased)"

As I do not have the resources necessary to stand up to the pressure placed upon me by these and many other special interest groups I must, sadly, remove the previously posted Z.C.P. But take heart, I will continue to work diligently to complete my Z.C.P. I will also be exploring any options that will allow me to repost it in order to allow the public to be better prepared for the inevitable zombie apocalypse.