And now, a P.S.A.

Do not trust koalas.  The little bastards are up to something!  You don't evolve into a cute fuzzy seemingly harmless critter on a continent that is actively trying to murder you without having some evil plan up your adorable little sleeve. Beware the drop bears!

Oops

It was when he and Linda entered his bedroom in a whirlwind of passion, clothes torn off and flying left and right that Ed learned two things: 1) he had gone into the wrong bar and 2) he was apparently gay.  In retrospect, Linda’s beard should have been a tip off.

Aaaaand...

You know what, no.  I am gonna try not to jinx it this time.  I will Just say that, at least for now, I am no longer having to use smoke signals and carrier pigeons to communicate which is a good thing as those are notoriously difficult ways to get online.  Plus, the pigeons REALLY hate it when you use both methods simultaneously.  What I will say is that both my blogs are back up and I will hopefully remember to start updating them soon.  Until then, LIVE IN FEAR!!! (Ooo, scary)

Aaaaaaaaand, Now We are Not Quite Back

So, here's the situation (And now I have "Parents Just Don't Understand" playing in my head on a loop). We were forced to bid adieu to our craptastical (it is too a word) ISP.  See, we have this little quirk in that if we pay for a service, we should actually get that service. I know, bizarre, huh?  So now we are trying to find another ISP. The area i live in is awesome in terms of privacy it is crap as far as ISPs are concerned. We are out of range of cable or DSL so satellite is our only option.  Coming from a place where we had high speed cable with unlimited access, the speed and access cap is a big adjustment for us. So now the only internet access we have at home is through our phones.  This sucks and not in the happy happy joy joy sort of way. Hopefully, for the sake of my cramped fingers, the situation will change soon and i will be back. Oh yes, internal voices, I will return!  Until that day, live in fear! FEAR ME... Well? Go on. Fear me. I'll wait.

Aaaaand, We're Back!

That's right, kiddies, I am back on the air.  After a particularly arduous move fraught with troubles and the occasional cyborg-ninja-monkey attacks (true-ish story) we have managed to find a place and get some sort of internet access.  While the access is ridiculously poorly maintained, it is there at times.  The excitement of this announcement is some what lessened due to the fact that my entire readership is almost completely made up of myself and the voices in my head that other people pretend they can't hear.  Regardless, I shall solder on on the off chance that someone peeks in and doesn't run out eyes bleeding and/or a victim of the aforementioned cyborg-ninja-monkey attacks.  I know those little bastards are following me.  And yet I trudge on.  In the immortal words of Stan Lee: "Excelsior!"  Okay technically that is only one word but you get the point.

One Fine Day on the Trail

George Donner:  No, I'm sure we have plenty of food.
Lansford Hastings:  Dude, I totally know a shortcut!

One Fine Day After the Votes Were Tallied (The Concession)

To the sound of cheering supporters the unsuccessful candidate mounts the stage and approaches podium.

 "Thank you all.  Thank you.  Well, the votes are in and have all been counted and the country's presidential election has been decided.  The country has spoken and I would like to pledge my support to our...  You know what?  You know all that good loser bull shit?  Yeah, that ain't happening!  What the hell is wrong with all of you?!?  Were you kidding when you said you wanted me to be president?!?  I mean I did all that crap to get you nimrods to vote for me!  I lied out my ass for two fucking years!  I made all those mud slinging commercials.  Did none of you watch them!  Were they not mean enough?  Did I forget to mention that my "esteemed" opponent enjoys fondling underage poultry?  I told you all that he is a closet homosexual who was born in bum fuck Egypt?  How about the fact that his main hobby is sodomizing puppies in public... in front of young children... on Sunday... while fellating bisexual wombats and longshoremen named Horace... In a dress!"

Supporter stands:
"Is that true?"

Candidate stares incredulously:
"What?!?  Are you serious?!?  Of course it is not true!!!... You know what?  I take that back.  All of that crap I just said is 100% true.  Yup. that's right.  You know what else is true?  Jamming a rusty egg beater up your ass and hitting the power gives you that ability to telepathically communicate with seaweed!  For real, go try it!

"Maybe it was my "loving" family.  Maybe they were just too boring for you?  Lord knows I've been bored with them for years now.

"I even told you that god had chosen me to lead you!  You guys seemed to buy it when that other fucker said it!  Hang on, I am getting something." Cups hand behind ear, "Yep, it is definitely god again.  He is giving me another message for you.  You know what god says?  God says "FUCK YOU ALL"!  I hope your heads explodes and the bone fragments kill your dog!!!"

The candidate gives the audience the finger and then, in the ensuing confused silence, exits the stage, the very picture of silent dignity.